During the last couple of days I have been thinking a lot about relationships, couples and love. Actually I have been heavily depressed and begrudging. During my six years of being single there have been different phases during which I either enjoyed being alone or did not. The first phase was a celebration of my single status, for sure. But after a certain amount of time – two years to be precise – I started to feel like I was ready for a relationship again. Another two years later, I felt that I really really wanted one again. But nothing ever happened. Now, six years later, I have my moments of depression, moments of being happy to be alone, moments of doubt if I will ever find someone who wants to be with me, and then the worst moments, when I feel that I catch a short glimpse of the ugly truth that deep deep inside I probably do not want to have a relationship, or, more accurately, am not able to have one. These moments are the saddest ones.
During the last days I find myself interviewing people I meet about falling in love, relationships, commitment and so on. I feel like asking about a different culture. Why is all of this so foreign to me? After all, I did have one long and serious relationship, from age 18 to 22. But the problem is that I cannot remember what it was like. Literally. I have some images in my head from this time but the person in these images, in these memories, is not me. It is someone else. Browsing through these memories feels like remembering stories your best friend told you about her relationship. I can appreciate the stories, have a warm feeling when thinking of some special moments, but it is not me. Of course I have changed quite a lot since these days so it makes sense to a certain degree. But to this extreme? I am not sure. I wonder a lot about the boy meets girl routine that some people claim exists only in the movies. I do not think so, because wherever I look, I see couples. And all of these couples must have met in some way. And then have become a couple in some way. I ask people about their stories and often they are cute. Usually I notice the immense extent to which pure coincidence factored in the meeting and falling in love of a couple. Like a girl I know, who went to Brazil to visit a friend but then ended up hanging out mostly with this guy’s roommate because her friend spent much time at university. They talked, they fell in love, now they have been together for four years, separated, at times, by the mighty Atlantic Ocean. Their story is as nice as they are, both individually and as a couple, but these days it makes me sad. It seems stories like this can happen to everyone but me. And I really really wonder why. Do not get me wrong, this is not a fishing for compliments kind of thing, I do not want to hear that I am lovable etc. My frustrations is not built on a lack of self-esteem, on the contrary. I think I do very well deserve to find someone who likes me just the way I am, and I am this frustrated because I just do not understand why the hell is should be so improbable???!! All the basic factors are there, I am fairly friendly, not ugly (I think), open and communicative, with a sense of humur and a certain level of education. So what is the problem??? Confession: sometimes, back in Berlin, I would catch myself observing couples on the subway and sometimes thinking to myself: so even he/she can find someone who loves them but I cannot??” Mean. Can only bring bad karma, which I obviously cannot afford. But I cannot help it.
Some people have told me that one thing they notice about me is my very strong sense for justice, for right and wrong. Andf this is just wrong. But who is there to blame? I do not blame myself. I can blame the universe, but I would rather stay on its good side to have some hope for the future. Maybe I should blame Mr Right for not showing up. Actually it was a joke my friend made about this that finally elevated my mood again. We were imagining how funny it would be if, when the right guy finally came along, I would be really angry at him at first. My friend drily commented: “If he wants to be with you, he would have to be able to take that.” Well, I guess I am quite crazy and difficult, so she is right. But so are others, and they are not condemned to be eternally alone. Some people are really bad persons, and still married with kids.
What I am really interested in when speaking to people is what made them be interested in their current boyfriend/girlfriend as more than a stranger, an acquaintaince, a friend, a fellow human being. And I do not care about the sexual aspect of all of this, that is easy. Why this person? Why for more than just sex? And then, finally, how is the decision made to enter into a relationship with this person? What is a relationship, actually? You kind of give half of yourself to another person? Your thoughts your plans, your concerns? It all seems to far away for me. Yesterday night for example I was sitting in the living room with my many roommates, singing and talking and drinking, and while I was really enjoying myself, my thoughts still drifted away and I pondered the fact that some of the persons who were with me in this room had a relationship. Their respective boyfriends and girlfriends were not there with them. They were in their home countries, in their old life. But somehow they were there, still. Or my friends were somewhere else. How to explain this? They are there with me, with everyone, but at the same time they also, well, belong to someone else, in a way — no, I cannot grasp it. Nevermind. If anyone has any answers whatsoever on this, let me know.